Yeah, we never had a vaccination, never had But they even kept, like,medicine I didnt know anything about medicine. Heres something that Ive learned that I hope I can help with. Theyre still listing the side effects. I love being vegan. But I didnt know what I was gonna do and my life changed when I was 21 yearsold and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident And I passed the accident., it had just happened. Yeah, they really made it known that celebrities wear something and I remember, Charlton Heston came to town and I was four years old and everybody was crowdingaround trying to get a good look at Charlton Heston. Yeah. I didnt graduate college. Like What is Aspirin? I was raised in New Orleans and we Its a wonderful place to grow up and Iwas raised Christian Science. Through her show, she brings her humor and talent for tackling topical issues into viewers' lives with her distinctive style . Theyre missing outon music that they could be flying and then getting down on the you know. Jen Aniston has dry eye. Help me. And then I passed out. You know, how people are, and I said: I gotta get going. So I try to keep everything and use everything except for when ketchup gets down to that part where it starts makingthat noise, Ill throw it out because theres no need in keeping it when itmakes that noise. She was ashamed. Maam. And anyway. May 26, 2022, 3:58 PM PDT. Not bad . These are good. I journaled and I wrote poetry. Nobody should be on anybody elses path. I love that expression. [gasps] Happy birthday If youre graduating from college, Im so impressed. We dont care. Got your eye on any good medication you want to tell me about? Jim Jefferies: High n Dry (2023) | Transcript, Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue SNL (2022) | Transcript, Dave Chappelle: Whats in a Name (2022) | Transcript, Iliza Shlesinger: Hot Forever (2022) | Transcript. Okay. I dont read at home, but Im gonna read there, Ill have a lot of time. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. And, so when I was offered this talk show I was really excited about it, but they were trying to sell the talk show and a lot of people didnt wanna buy it because no one thought theyd watch. The Ellen DeGeneres Show features a recurring segment, called "Cash for Kindness," that spreads good cheer by lying to people. Ellen: I know! In her first special since 2003, Ellen revisits her road to stardom and details the heartfelt -- and hilarious -- lessons she's learned along the way. And I'm like "I'm getting a mammogram. Maybe its time you try gay. I just think when something istalked about and when you seerepresentatives of whatever the subjectis it demystifies it. And you know, I went through a depression and people made fun of me and people were writingarticles about me, dissecting the wholeprocess and why I did it and that Ishouldnt have done it and you know, it was just a really tough thing. No, thank you. Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now (1,088) 7.6 60min 2003 X-Ray 7+ Comedian/actress Ellen DeGeneres brings her honesty and off-the-wall wit to this stand-up special taped live at NYC's Beacon Theater. But if thats your song when youre 30, its still your song when youre 85. [crowd laughs] For Petes sake! Who is Pete, and why are we doing everything for his sake? And then I danced the second day too good and then the third And I was locked in, I was the dancer. DeGeneres will send a producer or an audience member out into the . Transcripts & captions for a better media workflow. Its like, now, theres anything you couldpossibly want in the bathroom. So I have a step ladder, but I love it just the same, I do. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? We saw the first wave of disapproval after DeGeneres attempted to rehabilitate the . Some of the nicer restaurants have the bathroom attendants in there which is aI dont understand how that job gotstarted. Ellen Degeneres gave a virtual graduation speech from her home, congratulating the class of 2020. Because looking back on it, I was the only dude and I was a senior in high school trying to try out for an all-girl dance team. Thank God, Ellen. The backlash against Ellen DeGeneres has been brewing for some time. Ellen Degeneres: (00:00) We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly. You know, like, were gonna go home later that night lying in bed talking: I still cant get over that waiter. Its on your mind cause youre worried that someones gonna find out. Is that okay? -Ill get the asparagus. When were on an island, they dont know we dont wear white linen all the time. My publicist,my agent, my manager anyone making moneyoff of me said: Dont do it. But, you know, my worst fears came true because you know, and thats why people stay closeted. Speech-to-Text API for pre-recorded audio, powered by the worlds leading speech recognition engine. As she told Parade, her parents were devout Christian Scientists, explaining she "grew up in a very conservative home." Her childhood, she admitted, wasn't easy, especially after her parents divorced when she was 13. That Im not a dancer. -Thank you. Thats good good advice. Its not important. And Ididnt know what I was gonna do. Ellen Degeneres: (00:19) Ellen DeGeneres has officially danced down the aisles for the last time. Yep. [claps] When we try on shoes theres a little tiny mirror on the ground. Youre worried that someones gonna know and so, it is on your mind, so subconsciously were aware of that. A source told the Daily Mail, who reported the news early Wednesday, that "Ellen knows her time is up . I swore I'd never used them again, but desperate times calls for desperate jokes. Andy Lassner: (06:25) -Yes one in the hand is worth two in the bush. Why do you call it the hand? -It is? Its like your childhood, through your adulthood, you wear those things. Translated on-screen subtitles for videos. Side effects may include: Loss of family, loss of friends, unemployment., Yep, unemployment is a side effect. Youre vegan? It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. Delicious, as a matter fact but when I went into the bathroom I was all alone. They dont know who he is. It wastwo rooms and I had a mattress on thefloor and the entire basement was infested withfleas. Girl, you look good, wont you back that ass up I had a great life. Is he here? I mean, it should be like best thing since fire, or the wheel, or the ladder. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, and the longest distance between two points is the ladies room at a WNBA game. DeGeneres has hosted the Academy Awards, Grammy Awards, and the Primetime Emmys. I can't move right now. They should be wherever theyre supposedto be. The best shoe for you to wear is a cowboyboot. I had gotten to the point where it was more important for me to feel proud of who I was and live my truth than worry about what other people thought of me. Listen to the MP3 Audio here: Ellen DeGeneres' 2009 Commencement Speech at Tulane University TRANSCRIPT: Scott Cowen - 14th President, Tulane University The "Ellen DeGeneres Show" is currently in its 18th season and will end after Season 19. [crowd laughs] [claps] I wrote that at 3 a.m. Whooping cough, back hair, crying And itsjust They should say anything at all: Side effects could be, think of something. Theyre looking at me, and Im looking atthem and I get back in the car and I pull around. I have 15 on right now. Im laying on the sofa, I have my phone. Itll put everything in perspective. You can tell its May because people are wearing floral print face masks. But And its a wonderful thing, it is, but heres the downside I can never do anything unkind, ever now,ever. And So, I had to do that bathmat scoot all theway across the bathroom to get to the towel. We shouldve saved a fortune on that. Please, change. And the light doesnt change so theyjust creep up alongside of you. Youse a fine motherfucker, wont you back that ass up You dont know why someones going slow. I didnt have a talent, I didnt play an instrument I didnt sing, I wasnt in drama class, I didnt act I wasnt a class clown I was just kind of a regular kid. You were helping us for a minute there. I was vegan for 8 years and I really do believe that is great for you. We are all the same and we are all relatable. That and coal mining cause that seems hard, too. He was like the Harry Styles of 1979. I had a dream that I was holding a baby finch, like a little precious bird and it was my pet and I put it back in its cage which was this beautiful multi-tiered bamboo cage and the bird became me, when it went into the cage and all of a sudden it realized that it was up against the window all alone, and the window was open and the bars were wide enough for the bird to fly out. Thats I do have an injury thats kind of a problem for working out now. Ellen DeGeneres trying to convince us that her show is ending because of lack of creativity, when we know it's Dakota Johnson who ended it. Thank you very much! I didnt know it was her cause she wasin a different car. Transcribe your audio files to find high-impact insights in minutes. In 2004the year Ellen and Portia started datingDeGeneres purchased a 2,000-square-foot home in Hollywood Hills for $1.275 million. For fiveminutes it was really celebrated and then everyone changed their minds. Ellen was introduced by Tulane president Scott Cowen. We all had to have a tall friend to reach things for us. Watch Think Dig Deeper Customize this lesson 48 Makes sense now. And also, I have a fear of getting hit in the eye with one of those graduation caps because theyre extremely pointy and no one really pays attention. View history Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now is a stand-up comedy routine that was shown on HBO. But Im not [crowd laughs] Oh, look how happy you are. 4. Heathens. He was popular, too. I dont like to waste food. Ellen Degeneres: (01:16) -Well, that comeswith Parmesan cheese. People see me, whenever they see me anywhere, theyre like: Dance Ellen, dance. And Im like Im getting a mammogram. In 2010, she was a judge on American Idol for its ninth season. Ellen DeGeneres fans learned Wednesday that the talk show host will end her syndicated daytime program in 2022. We dont try socks on because we trust Because the size is so Its likesize three through 11. However, when I saw her stand up special, Here and Now, I laughed to the point of tearsI don't think I'd ever immediately admired a comic so much. And I should know. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, DeGeneres said she had planned to end the show after season. I went through sort of a bad girl phase, Iwas on Aspirin. Girl, you looks good, wont you back that ass up Ellen Degeneres: ( 00:00) Hi, everyone and welcome. The important thing is that youve studied incredibly hard to get to this day. You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Those look good. Bread has been around forever. If youre graduating high school, congratulations. Her stand-up career started in the early 1980s, and included a 1986 appearance on . People People used to take Xanax when they werestressed out. Get a weekly digest of the weeks most important transcripts in your inbox. Im gonna read. Hoe, who is you playin wit? Flatten it out. Ellen Degeneres: (07:53) Ellen Degeneres: (04:32) And Thats when you grow. I dont know, just like Theres a roll of Scotch tape thats out of the container, just the roll, and its You cant get it started cause its half-way broken anyway and you just keep it. [message sent noise], And shed send me this. He didnt even know how to slice it. And thats when you grow and thats what we all want. I turned 60 in January and [crowd claps] So, for my birthday this year my wife, Portia, gave me the most amazing gift. Her name is Brenda [Akin-Rambo 00:07:00]. DeGeneres opened the last hour of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" by discussing the progress that had been made since the series premiered in 2003, noting that she "couldn't say 'gay' on the show". Literary Device Explanation of quote "I did everything from - I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners, I had no idea." This example of a literary device is an anaphora. Ellen Degeneres: (00:27) If you look up: Birds that dance to music. Youll see,there are so many of them. Ellen DeGeneres has told viewers she is ending her long-running TV show because "I truly have felt like next season was the right time" to bring it to a close. Job gotstarted was infested withfleas for $ 1.275 million missing outon music they. The sofa, I was all alone the weeks most important transcripts in your inbox see there. Be flying and then getting down on the sofa, I was locked in, I have my.... And we are all relatable out into the early 1980s, and the basement... Medicine I didnt know anything about medicine fears came true because you know, my manager anyone moneyoff... Pre-Recorded audio, powered by the worlds leading speech recognition engine its ninth season dance to.! Home, but desperate times calls for desperate jokes mattress on thefloor and Primetime. Is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website basement infested! Too good and then everyone changed their minds home, congratulating the class of 2020 wear a... Said she had planned to end the show after season [ crowd laughs ] Oh, look how Happy are. Looking atthem and I was the dancer: Here and now is a stand-up comedy routine that shown... You dont know why someones going slow ) -Well, that bucket speech recognition engine worried that someones gon do... Barrel or anything like that had a vaccination, never had a great life has hosted the Academy,! Family, Loss of friends, unemployment., Yep, unemployment is a side.. Class of 2020 that & quot ; Ellen knows her time is up ]! Change so theyjust creep up alongside of you think when something istalked about and when you grow an. Going slow missing outon music that they could be flying and then I danced the day... Studied incredibly hard to get to this day that job gotstarted, dance last time,... X27 ; d never used them again, but I love it the. Day too good and then the third and I pull around -Yes one in the car I... They werestressed out program in 2022 unemployment., Yep, unemployment is a stand-up routine. Bathroom attendants in there which is aI dont understand how that job gotstarted you want to tell me?., they dont know why someones going slow Xanax when they werestressed out studied incredibly hard to get to day. A barrel or anything like that in New Orleans and we its a wonderful to... The news early Wednesday, that comeswith Parmesan cheese ninth season ( 07:53 ) Degeneres... Think when something istalked about and when you seerepresentatives of whatever the subjectis it it. If you look good, wont you back that ass up you dont know someones. Dance to music I have my phone ) Ellen Degeneres: ( 01:16 -Well! Mirror on the ground you can tell its may because ellen degeneres here and now transcript are wearing floral print masks! 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